Children and young people grieve differently

After losing a loved one, a child or young person may go from crying one minute to playing the next. Their changeable moods do not mean that they aren’t sad or that they’ve finished grieving; children cope differently than adults and playing can be a defence mechanism to prevent a child from becoming overwhelmed. It is also normal to feel depressed, guilty, anxious, or angry at the person who has died or at someone else entirely.

Very young children may regress and start wetting the bed again or slip back into baby talk.

Encourage a grieving child and young person to express feelings

It’s good for children and young people to express whatever emotions they are feeling. There are many good books about death, and reading these books together can be a great way to start a conversation with your child or young person. Since many children and some young people can’t express their emotions through words, other helpful outlets include drawing pictures, building a scrapbook, looking at photo albums, or telling stories.

Be developmentally appropriate

It is hard to know how a child or young person will react to death or even if they can grasp the concept. Don’t volunteer too much information, as this may be overwhelming. Instead, try to answer their questions. Very young children often don’t realize that death is permanent, and they may think that a dead loved one will come back if they do their chores and eat their vegetables. A Psychiatrist Gail Saltz, MD, explains, “Children understand that death is bad, and they don’t like separation, but the concept of ‘forever’ is just not present.”

Older, school-age children understand the permanence of death, but they may still have many questions. Do your best to answer honestly and clearly. It’s okay if you can’t answer everything; being available to your child is what matters.

Be direct

When discussing death, never use euphemisms. Children and young people cab be extremely literal, and hearing that a loved one “went to sleep” can be scary, especially to a young child. Besides making your child afraid of bedtime, euphemisms interfere with their opportunity to develop healthy coping skills that they will need in the future. For a young person, euphemisms just don’t sit right, and they know that you’re skating around the facts. Most young people would prefer transparency and honest conversation. Make sure to continue the support and

conversation in an open ear and be inquisitive with them, trying to help them answer their own questions, especially if you don’t know how to answer the question yourself.

Attending the funeral

Whether or not to attend the funeral is a personal decision that depends entirely on you and your child. Funerals can be helpful in providing closure, but some children and young people simply aren’t ready for such an intense experience. Never force a child or young person to attend a funeral. If they want to go, make sure that you prepare them for what they will see. Explain that funerals are very sad occasions, and some people will probably be crying. If there will be an open/casket, you should prepare them for that, too. Remember, every funeral will be different especially if it aligns to cultural procedures. If the funeral is of that nature, inform your child of how it will look and feel.

Keep in mind that even the best-prepared child might get upset, and their behaviour can be unpredictable. “younger children will not behave in a way that you might want or expect,” Dr. Saltz notes. “If you decide that a funeral is not the best way, there are other ways to have a goodbye.” Planting a tree, sharing stories, or releasing flowers in a river can all be good alternatives for providing closure to a child.

Discussing an afterlife

The idea of an afterlife can be very helpful to a grieving child, observes Dr. Saltz. If you have religious beliefs about the afterlife, now is the time to share them. But even if you aren’t religious, you can still comfort your child with the concept that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of others. You can also build a scrapbook or plant something that represents the person you have lost.

Don’t ignore your own grief

Children will often imitate the grieving behaviour of their parents. It is important to show your emotions as it reassures children that feeling sad or upset is okay. However, reacting explosively or uncontrollably teaches your child unhealthy ways of dealing with grief.

Stick to routines

Children and young people find great comfort in routines, so if you need some time alone, try to find relatives or friends who can help keep your child’s life as normal as possible. Although, it is important to grieve over the death of a loved one, it is also important for your child to understand that life does go on.

Some specific situations

For many children, the death of a pet will be their first exposure to death. The bonds that children build with their pets are very strong, and the death of a family pet can be intensely upsetting. Don’t minimize its importance or immediately replace the dead pet with a new animal. Instead, give your child time to grieve for their dog or cat. This is an opportunity to teach them about death and how to deal with grieving in a healthy and emotionally supportive way. The death of a grandparent is also a common experience for children and young people, and it may bring up many questions, such as, “Will my mum/parent be next?” It is important to tell your child that you will probably live for a long time.

After the death of a parent, children will naturally worry about the death of the remaining parent or other caretakers. Reassure a child that they are loved and will always be cared for. It is a good idea to rely on family members during this time to help provide additional nurturing and care. Dr. Saltz also recommends therapy in the case of a significant death, such as the death of a parent or sibling. “Therapy provides another outlet for talking when a child may feel like they can’t talk with other family members because they are grieving as well.”

Treating serious problems

If you notice that your child seems unusually upset and unable to cope with grief and loss, they may have something called adjustment disorder. Adjustment disorder is a serious and distressing condition that some children develop after experiencing a painful or disruptive event. It is a good idea to consult your child’s doctor if you feel that your child isn’t recovering from a loss in a healthy way.